Recently
I attended a marriage event at a local church in which the directors
of What God Has Joined Ministires, Richard and JeannaLynn May, were
the primary speakers. Now, I went to this event with no question
about the state of my marriage. It was pretty good. My husband and I
had not had any big fights, or times of "intense fellowship"
as the Mays called them. This even spoke to me, however, and really
made me focus on things that can encourage growth in my marriage. I
still believe that we have a good marriage, but now I know it can be
even better. These lessons were not actually what was said, but they
are what I thought of as we used the tools they put before us.
1.
Support, don't compete.
This
one was hard. I am really competitive, and my mind tends to be very
antagonistic in situations where we are having ANY sort of
competition. John is always supportive of me, even when we are
competing and it humbles me when I let it. Otherwise I just feel
guilty after.
2.
I am not perfect and that's okay.
There
is a qualifier here though. I still have to confess and ask for
forgiveness. My husband does not always know when I have done
something. I am extremely good at covering my mistakes, but the guilt
festers inside of me. He is an extremely forgiving man, never makes
me feel guilty. He always forgives, and I will not ask for
forgiveness if my heart is insincere.
3.
Correcting every fault is not my job.
My
husband is older than me, wiser than me, and at least as smart as me.
He deals more with people, more with social interactions, and even
more with our friends than I do. I am extremely good at finding, or
unintentionally creating, faults in most every text, email, or phone
conversation. I find that I am embarrassed at what I think are social
blunders, even though no one else seems to think anything of my
perceived embarrassment. My husband needs my appreciation and
encouragement far more than he needs my correction.
The
marriage event also helped me think of things we do that make us a
"team," and we are very much a team. Most decisions we
reach after discussion with each other. We almost always ask for an
okay, even if it just affects one of us. We also do things actually
"as one."
What
We Do "As One"/To Keep Our Marriage Strong
1.
Take communion
Whenever
we are together during communion, which is pretty much every time we
take communion, we take it together. One of us will hold the brass
tray and we both take our bread or juice with the outside hand. The
very few times we have not done this, it does not seem right. It is
like a part of me is missing and I find it uncomfortable and
unsettling.
2.
Hold hands when we pray
This
is not limited to mealtime prayers. We often hold hands, but we
always hold hands when we pray. It is a way to have a support, a
prayer warrior next to you, and it really helps me, at least, feel as
if we are united before God.
3.
End conversation with "I love you"
Whether
it is a phone conversation or we are leaving for work, we always end
our final conversations before a significant length of time with "I
love you." This has a couple of thoughts behind it. It is a
constant reminder of a choice that we have made. Love is a choice,
pure and simple. We can do things to make that choice easier, and
every time we say "I love you," it is an affirmation of the
choice we made. The second thought is that if something happens and
we are unable to see each other, either for an extended period or
again in this life, we want to the last words we speak to each other
to be a confession of love.
Marriages
cannot be stagnant. They are in and of themselves a living entity,
nourished by our care or withering by our neglect. After this
marriage even with the Mays, I have found ways that I can encourage
the growth of my marriage and nourish it. Do you know why the trees
in Washington State grow so big? The are near-daily blessed with rain
from heaven and a good support system that is nourished.