Thursday Thoughts: Marriage

Recently I attended a marriage event at a local church in which the directors of What God Has Joined Ministires, Richard and JeannaLynn May, were the primary speakers. Now, I went to this event with no question about the state of my marriage. It was pretty good. My husband and I had not had any big fights, or times of "intense fellowship" as the Mays called them. This even spoke to me, however, and really made me focus on things that can encourage growth in my marriage. I still believe that we have a good marriage, but now I know it can be even better. These lessons were not actually what was said, but they are what I thought of as we used the tools they put before us.

The Lessons I Learned:

1. Support, don't compete.

This one was hard. I am really competitive, and my mind tends to be very antagonistic in situations where we are having ANY sort of competition. John is always supportive of me, even when we are competing and it humbles me when I let it. Otherwise I just feel guilty after.

2. I am not perfect and that's okay.

There is a qualifier here though. I still have to confess and ask for forgiveness. My husband does not always know when I have done something. I am extremely good at covering my mistakes, but the guilt festers inside of me. He is an extremely forgiving man, never makes me feel guilty. He always forgives, and I will not ask for forgiveness if my heart is insincere.

3. Correcting every fault is not my job.

My husband is older than me, wiser than me, and at least as smart as me. He deals more with people, more with social interactions, and even more with our friends than I do. I am extremely good at finding, or unintentionally creating, faults in most every text, email, or phone conversation. I find that I am embarrassed at what I think are social blunders, even though no one else seems to think anything of my perceived embarrassment. My husband needs my appreciation and encouragement far more than he needs my correction.

The marriage event also helped me think of things we do that make us a "team," and we are very much a team. Most decisions we reach after discussion with each other. We almost always ask for an okay, even if it just affects one of us. We also do things actually "as one."

What We Do "As One"/To Keep Our Marriage Strong

1. Take communion

Whenever we are together during communion, which is pretty much every time we take communion, we take it together. One of us will hold the brass tray and we both take our bread or juice with the outside hand. The very few times we have not done this, it does not seem right. It is like a part of me is missing and I find it uncomfortable and unsettling.

2. Hold hands when we pray

This is not limited to mealtime prayers. We often hold hands, but we always hold hands when we pray. It is a way to have a support, a prayer warrior next to you, and it really helps me, at least, feel as if we are united before God.

3. End conversation with "I love you"

Whether it is a phone conversation or we are leaving for work, we always end our final conversations before a significant length of time with "I love you." This has a couple of thoughts behind it. It is a constant reminder of a choice that we have made. Love is a choice, pure and simple. We can do things to make that choice easier, and every time we say "I love you," it is an affirmation of the choice we made. The second thought is that if something happens and we are unable to see each other, either for an extended period or again in this life, we want to the last words we speak to each other to be a confession of love.

Marriages cannot be stagnant. They are in and of themselves a living entity, nourished by our care or withering by our neglect. After this marriage even with the Mays, I have found ways that I can encourage the growth of my marriage and nourish it. Do you know why the trees in Washington State grow so big? The are near-daily blessed with rain from heaven and a good support system that is nourished.